I don’t know what kind of blog this is. But I just need to vent I guess. 

I’m moving out of the house that I’ve lived in for 13 years and it’s getting harder everyday. Seeing the empty rooms, all the changes we’ve made to the house.. it’s hitting me really hard. 

I miss my dad more than ever. I keep thinking about how everything has changed since he’s been gone. I walk into his old room and I remember him laying down on the bed, watching sports highlights or the Big Bang Theory. I can still hear his laugh in my head. I remember coming home past midnight, listening for his snores to make sure I could go upstairs without getting yelled at for coming home late. I stand in that empty room and just cry. His bed is gone, his clothes are gone. It’s been 7 months and I still can’t believe he’s gone. 

Our house is getting sold within the next month and I feel completely lost. This place doesn’t feel like my home anymore. I’ll be downstairs and catch myself saying “I wanna go home”. The vibes are different and I hate it. But ever since my dad passed, my whole life hasn’t been the same. I’m even going on different vacations just so I don’t have to be here. And so I don’t have to be alone. I’m going to Hawaii, camping, SoCal with my friends. Usually, I would stay home and relax but like I said, this doesn’t feel like my home. I need to get out and distract myself so that’s what I’m doing. I don’t want to go out so much, but I have to if I want to stay sane. Distracting myself from the reality. 

My mom has been in the Philippines for the past week and I’m dying without her. She’s the only parent I have left so its weird when she’s gone. I love that woman so much. I’ve even decided to pack up my life here to move to Sacramento with her. I don’t want too. I’m not happy about it at all. If I had the choice, I would stay here with my family, my husband, my best friend, my squad and my niece. But my dad taught me that you have to sacrifice for the people you love. And that’s what I’m doing. My 3 sisters all refuse to go which is okay. I’ve learned that everyone has different hearts and priorities. Family has always been the most important thing in my life, just like my parents. My dad wouldn’t want my mom to be alone. After he passed, I told her I wouldn’t ever leave her and I plan on keeping that promise. I can’t imagine the pain my mom is going through. I’ve been depressed since I found out my dad was sick. And since he’s been gone, it’s gotten worse. That guy was the love of her life. Her whole life was revolved around him. Taking care of him, making him happy. He was her best friend. If I lost my best friend, I would be a complete wreck. The pain I’m feeling is probably 13729 times worse for her. So I’m going to be there for her, through it all, even if it sucks. 

I guess I’m going through it again. I’m realizing I’m stressing, mostly because I have no control over my life. I’m trying really hard to make everyone around me happy. And it’s draining me emotionally. But it’ll get better. Maybe when my mom comes home or when I’m in Hawaii, not dealing with all this bullshit. Now I’m gonna try to sleep all my problems away and hopefully get a visit from my dad in my dreams. 

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