Father’s Day.

It’s 2:15 in the morning and I can’t sleep. It’s officially Father’s Day. The first Father’s Day of my life without my dad here. Everyone’s going to be posting pictures of with their dads on twitter and instagram about how they have the best dad in the world. They’ll all be going out with their families and celebrating the day. And I’ll be at home, crying my eyes out, and mourning the loss of my father. 

I don’t know how else to let my feelings out about today without talking to my dad. So that’s what this blog is. A letter to my dad, with all the things I wish I could say to him right now. 

Dear daddy,

Happy Father’s Day. I just wanna start off with telling you that I miss you. There are no words to express just how much. But I’m sure you know how hard the past 8 months have been for me. I know you’re pain free up there but I can’t stop wishing you were still here with us. It’s our first Father’s Day without you and I can already feel my heart hurting. Every year, we would wake up and go to church with you. Then we would go to your favorite restaurant, come home and talk to you about anything and everything until you were too tired to stay downstairs. Last years Father’s Day sucked cause the Warriors lost in the finals. Haha you were not happy. The year before that sucked too. You were coughing a lot. You weren’t feeling good at all. I wrote you a Father’s Day card and I told you “I know you haven’t been feeling well lately but I know you’re going to get through this like you get through everything. God will heal whatever is going on. I’m always praying for you.” Two weeks later, we found out about your cancer. I’ll never forget that day. We all came home from wherever we were. We all had a long cry with you. And I remember you apologized to us. You were the one who was sick and you apologized that this was happening. I don’t know why. None of this was your fault. You didn’t deserve to go through any of this. After we were all cried out, we ordered pizza and drank Hennessy with you, because that’s what you wanted. Haha you were always so positive, even in the worst moments. You were always smiling and laughing, even after receiving the most horrible news. I miss that. I try to stay positive like you, but it’s hard without you here. 

I was watching the wedding video two weeks ago and I listened to your speech. You talked about how you would come home from a long day at work, so tired and stressed. But when you walked through the door, I would scream because I was so excited that you were back. You were my best friend. I couldn’t sleep without you back then and it’s even harder to sleep these days, knowing I’m going to wake up and you still won’t be here. 

I always wonder about what you’re doing. When it rains, I wonder if the angels you’re surrounded by are crying. When the Warriors won, I wondered if you were cheering and screaming “WARRRRIORS” like you used too. I wonder if you talk to your parents a lot, especially your mom. You loved her so much. I wonder if you and your dad are close. I wonder if you see the loved ones you lost before, like your siblings and Pastor Jerry. And I wonder if you miss me, like I miss you. 

I’ve had to spend Thanksgiving without you. Christmas without you. New Years without you. My birthday without you. But this holiday is all about you daddy. I’d do anything to have to back here. Thank you for being the best father a girl can have. Thank you for always reminding me how much you love me and how special I was. Thank you for raising me right and teaching me how to be a good person. Thank you for working so hard to give us this amazing life. I was so blessed to have you as my dad. 

Happy Father’s Day daddy. I love you so so so much. I miss you everyday. Visit me in my dreams tonight. ❤️ 

Love always,

Angela.